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२३.१२°C काठमाडौं
काठमाडौंमा वायुको गुणस्तर: ११२

Mother's memory of looking at the clouds in the sky

After the death of the father, the symptoms of depression started appearing in the mother. When my father passed away, it felt like a shock to us, but my mother took care of us. We gradually became normal, but mother could not control herself.'
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Memories of nicotine-yellowed fingers come thick these days. As pale as those fingers were the days of the mother in the tumult of sadness. In the imagination of those days gone by, Rajesh Hamal sees a picture, 555 cigarettes crushed in two finger cups and a plume of smoke rising into the sky.

Mother's memory of looking at the clouds in the sky


Along with his mother's greasy fingers and the smoke from the cigarette, another image comes to Rajesh's memory - the sad face of his mother, looking up at the clouds. "During the last days, mother's life was very painful, her mind was not stable," Rajesh says, flipping through his diary, "After father's death, mother started showing symptoms of depression. When my father passed away, it was like a shock to us, but my mother took care of us. We gradually became normal, but mother could not handle herself. After the death of her husband (Chuda Bahadur Hamal), Rajesh's mother (Renu KC Hamal) started losing her temper. Reading the old letters and diaries sent by her husband, occasionally shedding wild tears and staring at the sky outside the window became her daily routine. She forgot that "life has bright colors". She had to wear a sari to walk around in a sari. The habit of smoking was already there, but after the divorce, the consumption increased to the level of 'chain smoker'. A serious problem was seen in his chest. And, after a four-day hospital stay, she passed away, at the age of 65, in October 2058. At that time, Rajesh was shooting for the film 'Santan's Maya', in Gorkha. Every day he used to get information about the health of his sick mother on the phone. "But, one day when my mother lost her senses, I was shocked," Rajesh remembers.

Rajesh used to see the painful life of his mother sitting on the window. Some questions came/went in his logic – is this time my mother is alive just a normal process or waiting for death? What is this struggle with mother's life for? For life or for death? Why is the day not dear to the mother and the night more dear? Why does mother have no positive attitude towards life? Why doesn't the mother's face smile like before? Why is the mother's life so boring? After Renu's departure, Rajesh thought - mother got rid of this terrible ocean of pain. However, in Rajesh's mind, not only the memory of the smoke of the cigarettes smoked by his mother, but also his mother's evenings.

36 years ago, Rajesh, who started his film journey from 'Yug to Yug to Yug', became very famous as a hero in these four decades. His acting menu is always being debated, side by side. However, his films have enchanted the Nepali cinema audience for a certain period of time. People know how to define life, but they don't know how to live life. Rajesh does not know what his mother's definition of life was. But, he thinks - his mother lived a beautiful and full life on her own terms. Rajesh looks back like this - the path his mother walked, he remembers with great love that long journey and the footsteps of her steps.

Rajesh's father Chuda Bahadur was an ambassador. Most of the time was spent outside Nepal, and the family was also brought together. No matter which country she went to, mother Renu's entire attention was focused on the food and education of her children. Chuda Bahadur, who had a strong temper, emphasized on discipline. Mother used to scold her when she messed up, but not as much as her father. Rajesh could not tell his father that he wanted some things, he used to lie in his mother's arms. "A mother's heart is tender, and it becomes even tenderer towards children, and we are always ready to take advantage of that tenderness," says Rajesh, "I was extremely close to my mother as I had an extra loving relationship. That's why I miss my mother a lot. Renu was born in Tansen, Rajesh was also born in Tansen's mission hospital and his father was also born in Tansen. There was a love marriage between them. Renu was also a progressive thinker, the niece of Ubela's communist leader (who later entered the palace) Keshjung Rayamazhi. Kesharjung took his niece to Lucknow to teach her. Chuda Bahadur used to study in Banaras. Their love started when they met while coming and going to Nepal. Renu used to study at Lucknow Muslim College which had strict discipline. While enrolling in the college, whose name the letter comes from, his/her name should be written, other than that, the letter from other people would be taken care of, only the name of the relative was accepted.

Dance direction was Vasantjung Rayamazhi, son of Renu's maternal uncle, who made his dashing image in Mumbai and Nepal. That is why it was said that the letter will come in his name in the college. And Chuda Bahadur used to write love letters under that name. Renu kept that letter till later. After her husband passed away, when she was hospitalized due to illness, she had the same letter under her pillow. Chuda Bahadur had a master's degree in political science. Renu got married while studying IA. Renu was 20 and Chuda Bahadur was 22 years old at the time of marriage. Love marriage was not customary, so it was not acceptable to Renu's mother from a landed background. During the Rana period there was Subba, Renu's father. Her mother lost her husband when she was 28 years old. Renu, the only daughter in the family, married her mother insistently.

Chuda Bahadur and Renu lived in Palpa after marriage. Chuda Bahadur Rajesh, who started working as a headmaster in a school in Palpa, was employed in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs after his birth. The family moved to Kathmandu when Rajesh was 10 months old. Rajesh's childhood was spent in Kathmandu and mostly abroad. He remembers that his short childhood in Kathmandu Khichhapokhari was spent in a palace-like house. Being a high-ranking employee, his father's company was with the high families and ranas of Kathmandu. Chuda Bahadur built a house in Kapurdhara shortly after he started living in Khichapokhari. When Rajesh was two years old, his family moved to their own house. Chuda Bahadur was appointed Nepalese ambassador to Pakistan in October 2049. He died of a heart attack in his car at the age of 56 while returning home after presenting his certificate of office to President Ghulam Isaaq Khan in Islamabad, the capital of Pakistan. Remembering the death of his father, Rajesh is often overcome with grief.


Rajesh was studying in Chandigarh, India, when he got an offer for 'Yug Da Yug Gam'. He chose film, but his parents were very unhappy with that choice. Rajesh's choice was against both their wishes. Therefore, there was no possibility of any kind of cooperation from them. They felt that there was no career, no future in films. According to them, this field was just a profession of soukh or dancing and singing, which wastes people's time,” says Rajesh. The film industry was not formed, so the artist could not see his future in it. What was the situation, it was not known when the second film would be played after the first film. Rajesh came into the film only on his own stubbornness - carrying some curiosity, excitement, enthusiasm, excitement, a little fear.

Then her conversation with her father stopped. Mother also did not like the film industry, but her love and affection for Rajesh did not diminish. She did not abandon her duty. Knowing that Rajesh does not like eating outside, his mother used to pack food for her son every day before going to the shooting. "She used to take care of me even if she was not happy with her work, mother did not leave her religion but she was not interested in films or the work I was doing," Rajesh recalls the old days. Then Rajesh realized a feeling about his father and mother - the father is indifferent to the relationship when things are not what he says, while the mother is indifferent to the work of her children, but she continues to do her duty and motherhood. When he remembers now, he thinks that his parents' concern was about his future.

'Father asked me many times - what do you do when you start a film? Not enough films are made in Nepal, how will your career be made?,' Rajesh says, 'But, when I insisted that I would do films, my father got angry and told me to do whatever I want. After that, he never spoke to me. Rajesh lost his father during the shooting of the fourth film. In this way, the letter of pain of 'cutoff' with his father at the last time is forever in his chest.

Rajesh's elder sisters were studying medicine, the whole family was worried about their son walking out of line in life. All three of her sisters (Rekha, Rupa, Rita) are in the medical profession. Even the sisters did not express any interest in my work. Even my family members don't recognize me as an artist when so many people are my fans,” says Rajesh. However, two years after her husband's death, mother watched Rajesh's film 'Deuta' for the first time - at the premiere show at the Russian Culture Center. Then she started going to the hall with her friends, to watch the film of hero son. How did the mother's understanding of the film change? Rajesh says, 'They were not negative about the film, they were just worried about my career. When the Nepali film industry started to take the form of an industry, my mother saw the hard work I put in for 18 hours a day, then she thought - my son is on the right line.' The mother's only complaint about Rajesh's film was - how much blood in the conflict scene? He had only one complaint about Rajesh's life - when will you get married? However, he did not marry during his mother's lifetime.


Like most people, Rajesh loves the word 'mother'. Mother Renu gave birth to five children – twins Rekha and Rita were born first. Then Rajesh, Rupa and Rakesh. As a child, Rajesh was very close to his mother and never left her. "I followed my mother till the end," says Rajesh. Mother used to cry incessantly, beat her feet on the floor, and kept holding her saree. Renu used to sneak up on him sometimes. One day it happened. As mother and her friends were going out on a special errand, Rajesh was standing at the main door, already prepared. However, they tricked him and left through the back door of the house. "It was a very empty experience when my mother cheated on me," recalls Rajesh. Then, in a fit of rage, he banged on the glass of the drawer. He got a wound on his hand. His letter has now become his memorial.

Rajesh was very fond of food. When his mother called him 'Raju', his answer would be - What to eat? Rajesh often accompanied Renu when she went to market.

Mother Renu used to say to Rajesh - You were a 'badmas' when you were little. However, he prefers to call it "cheeky" rather than "bullying". Rajesh has always had a 'love and hate' relationship with his parents and teachers. When he was four years old, Rajesh was with his parents in Delhi, in the Nepalese embassy. One day Rajesh saw a note lying on the side of the table. He didn't know how many rupee notes it was, but he knew that it was money. He went to school with that money to eat ice cream. At that time he was studying in KG. Khulduli kept going in class and went to the bathroom, the money was bigger and different than usual. He thought - this is not money that he will use, he put it in a pocket. After reaching home, I found out that the money was mother Renu's household expenses for a month - a hundred rupee note. There has been a great uproar after the money went missing. Without anyone seeing, Rajesh put the money where it was. Renu asked – did you take it? He said "no" in a huff. His mother slapped him. Later it continued - I have stolen useless money. There are other such 'bullies'.

Rajesh studied in St. Xavier's in class 8. He learned to drive a tractor while staying at Mawli in Nawalpur for two months. Around 1960, only people who could be counted on fingers in Kathmandu had a car, Rajesh's house had one. Father used to be brought/delivered by Ministry of Foreign Affairs car, his car stayed at home. One day Rajesh hid the car keys. And, after going to the office, the father pleaded with the mother - I will drive the car. From Kapurdhara, the car was driven on a one-lane road, but driving in the city was not as easy as driving a tractor in the fields. Rajesh was sure that his father, who had gone to the office, would not return till five o'clock, but on that day Kamabesh had returned home early and there was a meeting on the way. Seeing his father, Rajesh tried to reverse the car, but could not. Father's driver backed up. His father scolded both him and his mother a lot. Rajesh still remembers his father slapping him that day.

Rajesh says that in every film he acted in, he played the role of his mother, 'I used to see a glimpse of my own mother'. That feeling has helped me in acting. He saw his mother's shadow in all the actors who played the role of mother. I used to see my mother's face in Shubhadra Adhikari, who played the role of mother most often in my films. Like my mother, he used to smoke cigarettes excessively.''When he remembers his mother, two images always come to Rajesh's eyes - the beautiful image of her mother with tattered clothes and the depressed pale mother fighting death at the end of her life. His fingers turned yellow after becoming a chain smoker. Even when we told him not to smoke, he didn't listen to us, and we didn't even know he was depressed,” says Rajesh. According to Rajesh, he does not have a mother and father. There is no picture that looks your heroship in the wall of her house. There is a six-parent picture. In his opinion, the story of the abandon and struggle with Nepali mothers are very affectionate, but it is not a complaint, but only love are hiding without complaint. 'Nepali films is also reflecting these vines of the mother's soings. The struggle, sacrificial sacrifices are depicting mothers who persecute all the sake of love. The character of common mothers is the same, 'says Rajesh. He's mother always felt always wanted to eat and take care of the lifestyle of the lifestyle. Rajesh's grandmother was a stake, but my mother was not near - she was considered the festival, and she sang. Raesh says that the mother's nature is in Himself. I have learned from my mother, 'says Rajesh. The modern and Fasenable woman of Rajesh's understanding was woman at that time. His mother. The mother then smoke 555 cigarettes, but she never drinks her. Father drank alcohol in the parties from time to time. My father does not drink smoking, not drinking alcohol. She used to select food carefully. She cared for meat, but in cleaning conditions. Rajesh says, 'I have a lot of mother's properties. However, the father was the exact opposite of that. He would eat whatever he was. He had a good quality: In the ministry, the ministry would treat everyone equally to the driver to the minister. I have tried to imitate my father's habit. 'In the dream of Rajesh, mother's last minute repeats repeats and the mom's breathing the moment. It takes time from time to time, and could I not be cared for my mother, that's not much to do? Can you not give so much time as much as you had to give?

s sometimes, while drowns in the memory, he remains angry that he is with himself somewhere that it is with himself. So it seems to be waiting for the mother and wait, sometimes I think he would be waiting for his mother and wait. And, he does not stop add oil on the light of the lamp in his mother, not to stop being happy. Says, 'these memories are the memory of life. & Nbsp;

Rajesh has seen his mother's sadness, suffering, happiness, laughing, crying, Rung, Rings. In solitude, the Rajesh always conclude that the mother is a tender pricdunel, the sake of the sake of the sake of the sake of the unmine and a descendant, who is calm, calm, good.

प्रकाशित : चैत्र १३, २०८० १०:४६
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