But, life is beautiful

I was born as the youngest son out of 8 children of my parents. Not only the family but also the friends were very happy that a son was born at home!

My mother still tells me that I was loved by everyone when I was little. Since I was a little sick during my childhood, mummy used to 'care' for me relatively more! I was growing up surrounded by the love of my family. However, after the age of 7, I left my family to work as a domestic worker and study. The memories of the love, care and care showered on me by my parents and family while I was working in someone else's house and wiping the sweat from my face with the change of her sari while lying in my mother's arms, I used to cry. I can't even imagine that pain now. The reason behind all this is that our house was in a slum. My family did not have much wealth. We had many children. They did not have enough resources to nurture and raise everyone.

From class 3 to 5, I studied in Jhapa. When I became very sick, the family where I was working and studying at home took me back to my own family. After staying with the family for a short time, I was again hired to work in someone's house in Itahari. My desire to read was intense, my father understood my desire and put me in Itahari to read. From 5th to 7th grade I sat there and studied like that. As sad as it was, home felt lovely. I didn't want to stay there. Missing home so much, many things playing in my mind, that's why I started insisting on going home. After the school vacation that was given for a while, I started living in Dharan again. From 8th to 10th standard I studied in Dharanai. I stayed there because Arabic could also be read. V.No. Passed SLC in 2064. Then I had to go with my family again.

I was very shy since childhood. I had many nicknames at school. My life was very confused till 6th grade. I got a chance to know myself when I reached 8th grade, even today I am proud of the courage I took at that age. I told my best friend Deepshikha that I was different from other friends. I got a lot of support and help from him.

not on purpose, not because I do this, and not pretending. But, since childhood, I loved the different colorful dresses of girls. Dressed up in such clothes, dancing, enjoying and being happy made one's heart happy. So I used to dance with my heart in Mamu's clothes. How many times have I been beaten by my father while doing this.

After a life of many dilemmas and confusions, I started working as a dishwasher in a hotel in Dharan because I had to live by myself. Meanwhile, I started working part-time at the Dharan branch of Neelhira Samaj. I still remember that day, the day I revealed my identity to everyone for the first time, through an FMM radio station. I was 16 years old. Life full of doubts made me very confused. Without thinking about it, I told everything like a mirror in a radio interview. From the next day, I started walking openly in women's clothes.

Then my heart said – I am a complete girl. I was made a rock by the heavy rain of words like 'hijda', 'chakka', 'stain of society', 'apsakun', 'alichchina' and differentiating treatment. None of that mattered to me. I never gave up in my life.

vs. From the year 2065, I started working with gravel and stone with my family. After being very sad, my father decided to send me to Qatar in search of a loan. After a few months of trying, we succeeded. At the age of 17, I arrived in the Gulf country of Qatar. I used to carry cement in a construction company during the scorching summer. About a month later, I was sent back to Nepal because my medical failed. I went abroad with some dreams, but it was shattered in a moment. After falling to Kathmandu, all the dreams that I saw came to an end. Life became more burdensome. He began to worry about how to pay the debt taken by his father.

Meanwhile, while wandering, I met many friends like myself in Kathmandu, started living with them and started working in a dance bar. The hustle and bustle of Kathmandu city and the fun with my friends made me feel like I was losing my way and in the meantime I managed to pay off the loan taken by my father. While searching for a job, no one gave me a job even though I had the qualifications and abilities to meet all the criteria. I was ostracized in many places because of my sexuality, the state and the government were not addressing our issues, days were passing with deep hurt. I was also thinking that I had to do something fast at this time. Meanwhile, I got a job as an assistant at the Global Foundation. While working here, I got an opportunity to go to Dubai.

After that, I didn't think about anything, I went to Dubai with my bag. There is a need for trans working at home. Doing housework was not difficult, but I was not allowed to go outside the house and use my mobile phone. While working in Dubai from 2010 to 2015, he felt that he lacked education. Also, I used to feel that I lacked skills in my hands. After returning to Nepal in 2015, I thought that I would do something for my community, i.e. gender and sexual minorities.

In the meantime, I started taking hormones without thinking about what would happen the next day. Get the body you want with breast implants. I was very happy to have the body shape and beauty that I wanted, but the thinking and reality of the Upshoch society was the same. After I started walking with a real body of a woman, it was even more difficult for me to get a room. There is no job and no skills. My family depended on me there. He was having a hard time when he was unemployed. While looking for work, I got a job as a waiter. As a waiter, learning some skills, I walked out laughing but had to spend the night in tears. I cried all night. It was very difficult to sleep. Towards the end of 2015, I started getting small makeup jobs. Working as a makeup assistant pushed me towards acting. I started working hard with the thought of making a career in the field of makeup and modeling. I proceeded accordingly.

As bright as the world looks from the outside, darkness is also happening inside it. That is what I have learned from my life experiences. Anyway, I established myself in my career, but because I am transgender, I was looked at differently in some places. The attitude towards me was different. Even though I have proven myself to be excellent in my field, many people have asked me, 'Yes, what is your rate?' It is painful to experience such things. The rate of pain for not only me but for everyone will be the same when I have to suffer what I am not. I went to Thailand to improve myself in my field and joined an international 'makeup studio' with the thought that society and individuals should go further to change the same thinking. That training made me proficient in

makeup. However, no matter how much you have changed, the society is the same, the thinking is the same. Rather than the appreciation of art and skill, there is more focus here on other things. But after a long struggle and hard work I managed to establish myself as makeup artist Neelam, my community friends also helped me to get work in a respectable manner. Even after doing this, it did not reach me. There was still a feeling that something should be done. Due to this struggle, today I have started a project called 'Giving Face' and am continuing it. I am also active in the art field. I launched this project during the 2020 lockdown while distributing relief. During the lockdown of 2020/021, I was able to hand over relief materials and huge amounts of money to more than 3,000 people. From 2022 I also started giving free makeup training. So far, I am happy from the bottom of my heart that I have been able to increase their courage, courage and courage by providing free make-up training to the sexual and gender minority communities in as many as 10 cities of the country. By the year 2023, I was successful in establishing 'Neelams Award' with the thought of contributing something to the society and community even if it is small. Through this, I am organizing a program to honor our elders and members of the sexual and gender minority community who have fought and contributed to the community. It is not easy to work where we talk big only in speeches. I have started this award with the aim of not being limited to speech only, but to 'show by doing'. It is not easy, but nothing is impossible in this world.

When trying to do such programs for good deeds and purposes, the supporters withdraw their hands, it is difficult to find sponsors, and there are still thoughts and problems such as whether it is a 'glamorous event'. After entering the glamor industry, I became not only a makeup artist but also managed to organize a fashion show called 'Neelm's Runway', which has completed two seasons so far. Now everyone knows me as a make-up artist, social activist, artist. In spite of so many hurdles in reaching this period of life, I have not failed in the religion and duty of being born as a human being and I don't think I will fail.

Because of the skills, confidence, life skills I have developed in myself, there is something easy and fun now. I always want to keep myself busy, update myself daily and am doing it. I want to do more for my community, motherland and all Nepali people through my skills, abilities, competences. Life is long my story can't end now.

(based on a conversation with Lakshmi Bhandari)