I run a small fruit and vegetable shop near the taxi stand in the district headquarters, Ilam Bazaar. From morning to evening, my days are spent amidst the hot sun, cool breeze, the noise of crowds, and sometimes deserted markets. They say everyone has their own story, but mine is a little deeper than that.

I am making a living selling fruits and vegetables. This job is not easy, life seems like a story of continuous struggle. Every morning when I wake up, many things come to my mind. How much will I sell today, will it be enough to pay the rent? How will I pay for my children's education? Amidst all these questions, I get up again and come to the shop. Because this is how our family is making a living.

It has been two years since my husband passed away. When he was with us, we shared the responsibility of running the house together. But, what has happened since that day is difficult to describe in words. My husband is no more. My heart has never felt at peace with his absence. After my husband's passing, my responsibility has increased. I have had to walk this path alone and as a mother of purposeful children.

Tourists from all over the country and abroad come to this city, when I see their laughter, photography, and fun, I feel like ‘I should also go somewhere’ . However, that remains limited to imagination . After my husband passed away, I decided to run the house on my own, it was also my obligation . This is a big lesson I learned . That is why I saved a small capital and started a small business of fruits and vegetables, in Ilam . Actually, my home is Taplejung . I started selling vegetables along with oranges, avocados, kiwis, apples and other fruits . My routine is not always the same, but the daily expectation is the same . Let there be more sales today, let there be more customers and save some money to run the house . 

The situation becomes even more difficult when the market is closed on Saturdays . On such a day, even four thousand cannot be sold from morning to evening, which limits the income to one thousand to fifteen hundred. That income is then forced to divide it equally between utensils, house rent, children's education expenses, and food. I have two sons. They inspire me to move forward every day. They study in Ilam in grades 6 and 9. There are a lot of expenses related to education. Books, stationery, school fees, and the cost of walking home all have to be divided into two parts.

Perhaps others may not find that difficulty very big, but in my life, the burden of that difficulty has never felt lighter. Sometimes I think, 'Let me buy new clothes for my children.' During festivals, they wish for new clothes. However, I do not have the courage to fulfill that wish, because even if that wish is fulfilled, I am afraid of how I will pay the rent the next day. Similarly, there are days when I feel like eating sweets. Sometimes, if I feel like it, I also feel like going to a restaurant with someone and having a good meal. But, I have never been able to muster such courage. Because the expense of going to a restaurant can ruin the fun of running my shop.

I have thought many times – ‘Let me go somewhere for a day or two’. Tourists from all over the country and abroad come to this city, and when I see their laughter, photography, and fun, I feel like ‘I too should go somewhere’. But, that remains limited to imagination. Because for me, closing the shop for a day is like inviting a financial crisis. The shop must remain open every day, because that is how our family is meeting every need.

Otherwise, business will suffer. Sometimes it sells well, sometimes less. But I am somehow maintaining it. The lessons taught by the shop have made me very strong. I learned a lot about dealing with customers, how to speak up in the hustle and bustle of the day, and how to establish my identity in the eyes of others. All that learning has been truly fruitful in my life. When evening falls, the light of the market dims and I close the shop and go to my house. I cook food. I eat, and I feed the children.

When I lie down in bed, a thought comes to me. I imagine what life would have been like if I had been with my husband today. But that thought does not make today's responsibilities lighter. I have already been doing the work of relying on life, fighting, standing, and weaving dreams myself. My sorrow, anguish, pain, hope, and disappointment are all woven from the same thread. I am stronger inside. Because I wake up every day and move forward to give my two children a bright future.