What kind of mental state does a kidnapped daughter go through? How could she tell her old mother that she was kidnapped? News surrounded by "dangers"? The news of innocently tossing between the guns with eyes wet with tears? The news that he is being punished harshly? The news of Maoist leaders saying 'we will not leave the enemy'?

In the 50s, the presenter of the television program 'Mero Geet, Mero Sandesh' broadcast on Nepal Television, the model of the music video 'Jab Sandhya ho...', the author of the novel 'Kathmanduma Ek Din' is Shivanisingh Tharu - the daughter of the hostage. According to the religion of being a daughter, she had to tell her mother that 'dangerous' news! However, how to tell the mother who is suffering from high blood pressure, lying on the bed and kicking towards the ceiling - 'Mother! I am surrounded by guns, I can be killed at any moment!'

^{writer Shivanisingh Tharoo . Photos: Angad Dhakal/Kantipur}

On a cold morning in January, before a cup of steaming tea, Shivani wandered towards the memories of those lingering, whispering days. Now those days are blurred in his memory. But, slowly  like a radio picking up a signal it was echoing in his mind, that kidnapping case. At that time, I was in the mood to tell Mami that she had been kidnapped, because Mami was suffering from high blood pressure. If she had told that incident, anything could have happened to her! 'Inside that 'anything', a daughter's magnificent love for her mother is living in a high place .

While giving food to Shivani while she was a hostage, someone of her own mother's age asked her, 'Why did you come with the face of a tiger?' That mother's loving-sympathy was etched in her mind. It was Rudraghanti who was crying bitterly with Namitho, Shivani. She says, 'In that cold night, in that strange place, I remembered my mother's affection.'

Shivani was abducted by the Maoists in Achham in the first week of December 2011. At the point where he thought he was going to be killed, Maoist leader Lekhraj Bhatt gave Shivani a satellite phone and said, 'Tell me I'm here at home!' The only thing Shivani said to Bhatt at that time was, 'Shoot me and kill me.' I can't tell my mother about the kidnapping. She was caught by the intelligence of the National Investigation Department and when she was released and returned to Kathmandu, she was mentally shaken. She says, 'I was just overwhelmed by the memory of my mother.' 

***

Mother-grandmother-Nepalgunj is still alive in her eyes. Shivani knew her grandmother before her mother. Hanging on the wall above her bed is a photograph of her grandmother. Mother Kalpana Shah Tharu (75) keeps telling Shivani rightly - the photo of a dead person should not be placed on the head. Perhaps the grandmother must have been considered a 'ghost'. "But, my grandmother is not a ghost, she is my life," says Shivani. It was her grandmother who introduced her to her mother.

Shivani's father, former minister Fatesinh Tharu's two wives. At the age of 21, Kalpana had a love-marriage with Fattesinh, a zamindar of Bardiya who owned Dhambozhi house, in 2031. Shivani Kanchi is from Amapatti. Intercaste marriage of mother and father. Shivani's mother's home is Dhambozhi in Nepalganj, maternal uncle's home is Gaganganj. However, there was no uncle in the house. She was a very loving grandmother. This is not the story of Shivani's grandmother. However, if only the story of the mother is told without telling the story of the grandmother, this article may be incomplete.

Shivani was born – at Bheri Hospital in Nepalgunj. As the house was crowded, the grandmother took her 9-month-old granddaughter, Gaganganj. Six daughters were born from the womb of grandmother Saraswati Shah. Kalpana Kaili's daughter. Kalpana's father passed away when he was young. Shivani grew up with her grandmother in a Khaparail (tile) house in Gaganganj with no husband and no son. Financial condition was very poor, grandmother used to sell alcohol. Mother Kalpana used to visit Shivani from Dhambozhi from time to time – carrying Horlicks. She tried to take him home. Shivani used to think – this is my home. She used to stomp her feet on the floor and cry saying 'I don't want to go home'. The mother was worried that her daughter would not know the house and that she would not even know her husband's name. After being forcibly dragged home, she kept shouting 'Your husband's name, mother's name'. "But, I never recovered, I stayed at my grandmother's house, even though I went to Dhambozhi during the day, I used to come to Gaganganj at night," says Shivani. She was the grandmother whom Shivani knew as 'mother' in the early days of her life. Shivani used to think when her mother came - why does this stranger come to see me? 

Mother has many memories, of Shivani. The name her grandmother used to call her mother was 'Maya'. When Shivani's ears heard 'Maya', she thought - all mothers are named Maya. After that, mother forever became 'Maya' in his address. Not being brought up under family discipline, Shivani says, 'I didn't eat mother's milk, I grew up eating cow's milk - so I don't have any closeness to my mother.' Saraswati, a strong-tempered grandmother called 'Widow', used to sell Mahuva flower liquor. In the letters of Shivani's mind, the heat of Nepalgunj, Lu, the cold wave, the old berry tree, the mid-day Arighopte rain, standing sad on the dailo,  A little girl wearing a frock and the intoxicating, chattering honeysuckle flower!

Mother-Grandmother's Smriti-While walking towards Lok, Shivani remembers Banke's Tharuhat Mela (the story told by mother). Kalpana, along with her mother Saraswati, used to go to fairs to sell cheap gilt jewelery brought from Banaras that Tharuni wore. As the herd of cows moved towards the cowshed blowing dust, others were sipping sugarcane and ice while walking through the fair in the twilight. On the days when the jewelry was not sold, the mother and daughter used to walk around the house sad and hungry. What would be the mood of mothers and grandmothers if they sell jewelry all day long? Shivani wants to write that mood in the story. Some people used to import hashish in Gaganganj. Grandmothers also introduced hashish to raise their daughters. She used to take the hay brought from the Himalayan districts to India from Nepalganj to Moradabad. She used to feed hashish to the children of the house, beat them with sticks and return to the hashish pot all over her body. 

On the border of Rupadiya, in the paddy field, the bandits hiding in knee-deep mud would sometimes attack and steal the grandmother's 'goods'. After the introduction of hashish, she evaded customs and imported Krabin cigarettes from India and started the business. Grandmother's paternal grandfather came to Kolkata from Jajarkot, father was a relative of the Maharaja of a state there. When India became independent, the Maharajas were abolished. And the Karindas also left forever. Saraswati traveled to Nepalganj when she was 15/16 years old. She used to tell Shivani about those days when she came here, heating the fire in the makal on a cold day, 'The day we returned to Nepal, there was a big riot at the Calcutta train station, people were running away. Mahatma Gandhi was assassinated on the same day.' Shivani's mother is a witness in many struggles of her grandmother, Shivani is also a witness. This grandmother's story tells the tragic life story of a Madhesh woman.

Shivani stayed with her maternal grandmother until she was 10 years old. When father Fattesinh came to Kathmandu in 038 as the minister of communication during Panchayat period, his mother also came with him. His father had defeated Lalit Chand, father of Dashrath Chand, in the elections at that time. Mother used to call right from Kathmandu, in Gaganganj. There was only one phone in the village, previously the grandmother used to talk. She used to complain about Shivani more than Sancho-Bisancho - 'She walks barefoot, plays in the dust and plays only with launda (boys).'

In the Madhesi community, a girl was not allowed to leave the house until she was 11 years old. The Dauntris of Shivani were married at the age of 11. And if she didn't play with Launda, who would she play with? Shivani's stepmother's son used to come from Kathmandu to Nepalgunj on a twin-engine, he was respected in his uncle's house, because he used to fly. Shivani started to think - the country from which the plane comes, if I go there, I will also be respected, I will go to the place where the plane is. Then Shivani requested her mother and left her beloved grandmother and came to Kathmandu - in 2040. She came to Kathmandu because she wanted to study, not because of her mother's memory, but to get 'respect'. 

***

Father was the Minister of Education, Shivani was admitted to St. Mary's School Jaulakhel in class 1. Shivani finds Kalpana more of a 'teacher' than a 'mother'. Mother had passed IA - used to teach in a kindergarten in Nepalgunj. Even after coming to Kathmandu, she taught in school. After 2046 years, father's Panchayat-politics is almost over. He returned to Nepalgunj. Mother raised 2 daughters and 1 son while living in Kathmandu. Every day she used to come to Thimi from Jawalakhel to teach school. During these long days of life, Shivani was never close to her mother. She has never hugged her mother yet. Even after getting married, she didn't get emotional, she didn't hug. However, he has immense respect for his mother. She says, 'Because my mother also respects me.' A mother always wants to see her daughter studying. But who can read forever? He thinks that it happened because his mother is a teacher. She used to read, but all the books except the course. Indrajal used to hide books, comics and story books inside the school books. The mother used to look at the daughter, "Has she read it or not?" She would tear up the comics and throw them away, and as a punishment she would be locked in the storage room for the day. Shivani's sister lived in a hostel. She came home and stayed in Shivani hostel instead of her sister as the money had already been paid - from class five to class nine. 

Shivani was not even menstruating, but her mother used to come to the hostel and inform her about important household decisions. There was tension in the family, so maybe the mother was very close because of the noise in the house, she thought of Shivani as her 'friend'. She used to 'share' all the stress with Shivani. If someone was given money and did not wake up, the mother would ask Shivani, who was the eldest daughter, to collect the money. She used to go to collect money. Mother used to say to him, 'If you were a son, I would have only got you, but if you became a daughter... I started to be respected in the family only by being a son.' 

'I wanted to be like my son. So I believed everything from my mother. I used to think that I can do everything my son can do. A sixth grade girl, I couldn't bring money like a gangster, but I used to do it, with guts. I wanted to prove to my mother that I am more capable than my son,' says Shivani, 'so when I was young I became 10 years older than myself, I became old when I was young. I didn't have a normal childhood. That's why I became a person today who is not afraid of anyone.

After her father returned to Nepalgunj, Shivani also left the hostel and went back to Dera. They had only one shirt to wear to school, even in winter they wore very thin sweaters to school. The shirt would get dirty every day, the mother would wash it as soon as the children returned from school. Mother Kalpana was a great dancer. In the National Dance Competition held in Banke in 2018, she stood first from Banke. And, she was awarded by King Mahendra. The old image of her mother wearing lehenga, choli, hasula and dancing the Kahruva dance keeps coming to Shivani's memory. "The mother's confidence to dance such a dance was weak, because of the family quarrel," says Shivani, "that's why I became her confidence." Just like saying 'your path is in your yard', the original path was the yard. "I grew up on the road," says Shivani. At that time, truck drivers used to come from Bahraich making noise and teasing the mothers with many gestures. Mothers used to chase the driver to the border of the village . The mother recites those stories even now - Uzyala without blinking her eyes, removing many wrinkles from her face. 

As many stories Shivani wrote about Nepalgunj, all of them were recited by her mother. Ama Kalpana still tells stories from evening to evening. Let's listen to the story of Andheri Bagiya as told by mother . Mother, her friends used to go to Andheri Bagiya to get kandi (balls of dung), in one of the wells there were - dead bodies of girls . Seeing the dead body, mother and friends were very scared .

'My mother is the only influence in my writing. When I was young, my mother used to give me thick books, she made me interested in stories,” says Shivani. Mother says even now - poverty has ruined everything. My mother must have thought - if I wasn't poor, I wouldn't have to be someone's youngest child. ``Mother doesn't say much, but says a lot in silence,'' says Shivani. 

Now Shivani lives in Kathmandu with her mother Kalpana and brother. Ba Fattesinh lives in Nepalgunj with his elder wife. Mother is risen in the morning, reads newspapers. "My mother will give most topics of my writings related to Nepalgunj. According to a mother's counsel, I am illiterate. The characters needed to write a mother also seeks, 'Shwija says. Among some people, Mother is happy in the image of Shewani.

says to Mother Shwani every day: 'When I die, I see Tulasi leaves and the corpse will look well after I died!' Mother seems to be older, reminding, shwarting. Gaganngjan and the old days of dyamlessly, it was hired. There is a fear of Shiwagon - a day she said to me too?

is a self-examination of an extreme hope of youth and the extreme hope of the older mother of the old, - remember the struggle of imagination. Remembering those days, Schoan is depressed by time. Reveal respect for the mother, she said, 'My heart is always published by my Skhy-Break Kantapur mother:

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