Sometimes when thinking about life, it feels boring. Looking back, childhood was happy. Passing those days and entering adolescence and trying to live now as 'me', the journey in the middle feels very harsh and sad.

Let's look ahead - there are many challenges and struggles, even looking back, there are mountains of challenges that I have climbed. 

When I call myself a woman, family, relatives, society and the nation keep saying 'you are a man'. I'm still torn between men and women. Between dreams and struggles, my life seems like a strange road. I feel that conflict with society's standards, family expectations and inner voice makes life uncertain and complicated.

I am a transgender woman, living my life in search of identity and existence. My life journey has been filled with deep hurt. This is not just my story, but the untold story of many Simrans like me. The environment and scenario may be different but the essence of the story is the same, who are pushing their boundaries in search of their identity and existence. 

I was born in Pokhara. Family, society and friends saw my genitals and named Naveen Sherchan as a child as 'child born'. Ray was very happy that the family's first child, a son, was born. Raised, raised, taught with great love and affection. Family and society did not care about my behavior as a child. Growing up, I became more feminine with age. I was feeling feminine. As adolescence begins, physical, mental and emotional changes begin to occur in different ways. My outer body was a man's, my mind and emotions were a woman's. Challenging the fact that when you say 'son', you should speak, behave, and behave like a son, I started presenting myself in a different avatar in front of others. After that, my friends, family and society knew me differently and started giving me strange nicknames. I thought, I am the only person like this in this world. I did not try to fit myself into the role set by the society, but I could not stop the impulse of emotions that came out naturally from my inner soul. I used to try to behave like a man, but it was not possible for me. I used to fall in the arms of women. 

People used to tease me with nicknames like 'Chhakka', 'Hijda', I felt very inferior. I had very few friends in school because I was afraid to socialize, I was afraid to go to the toilet. It was more fun with girls than boys. Seeing this, the boys used to bully him - he only walks with girls, behaves like a girl, saying that he is a hijra. From the age of 13, I gradually became isolated from friends and society. 

I used to question myself, cursing myself and even cursing God and saying - Why didn't you give birth to me as a son and make me like a son? Why do I want to be a girl? Either make me completely a son, or a daughter. Every moment - every moment I cursed and cursed God because I was having a hard time. 

From the outside, I was like a son, I used to wear the clothes of a son, my beard and mustache were getting longer, but my mind, heart and soul could not accept it. I looked at myself in the mirror - I saw myself as a woman, but on the outside I was just a man. The fire of conflict within me was burning hotter. Am I half crazy or totally crazy? I was 100% freaked out by the question. I wanted to choose solitude to keep myself calm. 

I was considered a good student until 5th grade, but due to these various problems, my studies deteriorated greatly, my family scolded me for spoiling my studies, and my life was ruined by the storm within me. I used to feel violated every moment by the words of chakka-hijra that my friends used on me.

When I was 14 years old (when I was in class 7), I basically convinced myself that I am a woman. The boys played football, I sat under the tree with the girls and played gatta, chungi . As I grew older, my attraction and inclination towards the opposite sex increased, and I began to like boys in my class who were like me. This made me very confused. The mind says 'I am a daughter' and the society says 'after being born as a son, you should bring a daughter-in-law'! I felt like I was on the edge of my stomach.

School friends used to try to see and touch him saying, 'He only walks with girls, what's his genitals like?' When my friends went to the toilet, I would pee or go home on vacation. She wanted to go to the girl's toilet, but it was forbidden. who am i When I searched for the answer to the question, I did not know when my youth and adolescence passed.  I was sitting after passing

plus two. I read about Neelhira Samaj in a 'weekly' magazine. See the strange pictures of 3 beauties in it. While reading the stories of the beauties mentioned there, I felt like them. After some time a notice was printed in a newspaper - that character is coming for an interview on TV. The interview aired. When I heard that 'they are this, they are enjoying life like this, they are happy from the inside', my happiness knew no bounds and I said, 'I am this.' I was eager to get there sometime, to share my feelings with them. However, the family and society used to say that 'after being born as a son, you should earn money to support your family, you should go abroad, you should learn some skill'. I got a chance to come to Kathmandu to take electrical engineering training for foreign employment. I couldn't forget the beauties seen in TV interviews. One day I wanted to go there and I went there. See transgender friends in Lazimpat. I was confused, even scared. They counseled an 18-year-old man there with great love. After they said 'You are not alone', I also felt that 'I am not alone'. 

Seniors loved me as 'daughter', made me feel safe. At that time I was called Kiran. It felt fun, it felt like the world had been conquered, it felt like life was worthwhile. I said 'Make me beautiful like you'. They made me what I said. The day I stood in front of the mirror dressed in women's clothes and makeup, I felt as if someone had touched me with a magic wand and turned me from a boy to a girl. There is no limit to happiness. It is the happiest and happiest day of life. I was feeling the most beautiful in the world. 

I wasn't so perfect in fake hair, makeup, clothes, maybe, people were looking at me strangely. I wanted to say 'I'm beautiful'. At that time I fell in love with a boy. 

It was necessary to return to Pokhara again. I had returned home disguised as a boy. Until yesterday, there was a distinct tension because I didn't know whether I was a boy or a girl. Today, even after knowing that I am a girl, walking in the guise of a boy felt like death. Saying 'I am a daughter' and living as such became another contradiction. That's when my family sent me to study in Cyprus for higher education. I flew to Cyprus with many dreams, but the dream could not be fulfilled due to various problems. 

After staying in Cyprus for a long time, I returned to Nepal without informing my family. As soon as he landed here, he was caught by immigration for overstaying in Cyprus and taken to Kalikasthan prison. I read a lot about life there, I understood it deeply. 

I called a person I thought was my mother, she rescued me, which I will never forget for the rest of my life. What to do now? How correct is it to say that he will kill himself and marry a girl for the honor of the society and the happiness of the family? The question racked my brain. And I decided that I cannot be happy when I marry a girl for the sake of family, society, hiding my real identity. I struggled a lot to feed myself. I went all the way to Belauri in India to dance, dancing made me a lot of money, but I never got self-respect there. I fell off my bike in the cold at night and broke my nose. At that time I got to work as a dancer in a dance bar, I had to face a lot of problems there, I was forced to quit my job because of an unpleasant incident. I returned to Nepal again.

At home I said 'I'm in Cyprus'. However, a program was organized in Pokhara. I walked in the rally wearing a crown so that people would recognize me. After that photo appeared in the newspaper, my family came to know that I was in Nepal. Family including mother came to Kathmandu looking for me. Then I told my real identity, mother's heart must have hurt a lot. I looked at my mother's innocent face and felt guilty again. Mother wanted to say 'go home', but I could not go. Because I was different, not a son but a daughter. 

I cried a lot. When the feeling of 'I did wrong, I made my mother cry' started burning, I went to Pashupati forest and tried to commit suicide again. However, my mother's face came to my eyes and I came back with the determination that 'now I have to do something for my family'. 

In 2012, I participated in a transgender women's beauty pageant. During the training period, I had the opportunity to learn many things, received the Red Raven Award. This brought a turning point in my life. Many people know me. Then I started raising my voice. I became active in advocating for sexual and gender minority communities, fighting for rights, raising awareness. I have done awareness work especially about the changes that occur in children and adolescents. I am one of the nine people who filed a lawsuit for same-sex marriage in Nepal. I have also acted in the Nepali movie 'Jalebi' along with actress Suraksha Pant. Currently I am doing a lot of work related to the project. 

I am currently holding the responsibility of the vice president of the Neelhira Society. While working, I realized that in order to understand our issues, we should not limit ourselves only within our community, but also with the outside world and the community. With this thought in mind, I am working as a member of an organization working in the environment called Cleanup Nepal. To me, success is being able to live a life that is happy with one's identity and rights. May I be an inspiration to many friends who are stuck in the dilemma and conflict like me. This is the will.