Om Tryambakan Yajamhe Sugandhi Pushtivardhanam.Urvarukamiv Bandhananmrityormukshiya MaaMritat.

I was sitting on Padmasana chanting. She was sitting in another room reading Hanuman Chalisa. My son used to come to my room and sometimes he would come to my mother's room and ask what happened, father? what happened mom? What happened to the father? We were chanting each other's mantras without answers. Brother Danko was crying. By the way my brother was crying, I had guessed that something unpleasant had happened. 

At once Santosh Bhai's call came from the village and he told the news that his father had fainted and was being brought to Model Hospital in Sundarbazar by ambulance. Santosh's words gave me hope. I thought, after showing my father in Sundarbazar and bringing him to Kathmandu, he asked us to wait here.

I was very nervous. Sweat was dripping from Kanchat. There was no certainty of what to do or what not to do. Only waiting for Santosh's call. 

The brother below was crying profusely. I called Maildai (grandfather's son). Dai arrived immediately. Only then did I dare to go down and meet my brother, but I fainted on the stairs. After being picked up by my brother, I sat down. At once thuldai (grandfather's son), younger uncle, aunty came and started crying.

At once, everyone including Sailo Uncle gathered but no one said that the father is no more. Everyone's eyes and face were telling the details of father's absence. Many things will be described in detail without saying. Santosh's phone was the only hope but there was such a huge wall of despair all over the house that Santosh's phone could not penetrate Santosh's network.

By now it was 11 o'clock at night. Anish Bhai was looking for micro. At once the microphone came. 18 of us took a car from Kirtipur to the village at 1 o'clock in the morning with a six-year-old and five-year-old minor.

Earth's vehicle was moving as if it was about to fall from the sky after colliding with the planet of pain. The month of July was filled with tears. There were 18 people in the car but all alone. He was knocking on the wall of memory by remembering the past with his father to gossip with loneliness. Sometimes my father used to be a farmer, sometimes an army man, sometimes a leader who had won an election and sometimes he was disappointed with life. Memories can only be touched, memories cannot be touched.

My father, who left his job in the army and went to the village, spent thirty years of his life in various social positions, including ward president, chairman of farmers' union, management committee chairman, district working committee member, and Red Cross.

Dad's army job gave us a farm. Education was given. The house was given. But, father's politics never gave us anything. The light always brings sorrow, fear, terror and lack. Father's politics probably didn't give anything to father either. The light is sadness, fear and terror. "Money politics should not be done, politics is social service," he used to say. Father used to say that others ate the money given by the government when they were victims of conflict. But we haven't found it yet.

When the then Jan Mukti Sena came to kill wherever they found during the Jan Andolan, Mami's sari, petticoat and courage cut off the father who was sleeping in Bardali. But this time, the mother who slept in her own arms and fed him with sun water could not send Kaal back like she did then. Perhaps the weight of grass became cotton for the mother who held her father in her arms without shedding the burden.

The car went the same way we used to reserve the car to celebrate Dasain before. When he reached home, the joy of seeing his children was evident in the father's eyes. Dasain was blossoming and coming to a great end. After cutting the big khasi that is in the house, cook it yourself, give it to taste, put the fried meat on a plate, and after eating, saying, ``Let's all eat from this plate,'' my father would say, ``Now we should eat it so that it oozes out of the kitchen.''

Who is waiting now that Christmas has come to us? Now who will give us cooked like that. He used to say, 'Measure your size and bring the shoes, coat, pants, and shorts.' There was no one in the world who matched my size. Oh, the memories of happiness are stinging more than a heated needle in the heart.

After being embraced by the past tense, the present and future tenses never came and fled from the father's life. A father was meant to be angry. Now the father is gone so that he can't even get angry. 

The vehicle was moving towards the village. If it had been any other time, the closer one got to the village, the more joyous lingeping would have been heard. At this time, as the car approached the village, the cords of the mana were snapping as if they were snapping the linge ping poyo. After deep pain resides in the heart, there is no knowledge of light or darkness. After the eyes are open, even the night will not be scary. After being swallowed by the darkness of the mind, even the day is meaningless. 

In the morning, the vehicle reached Archal Dhara when it was light. Goda, mind, and brain were saying, 'It would have been a tire puncture or someone would have done the April Fool's celebration.'

When I was a child, wearing a jeans jacket and paint that my father had bought me and holding my father's stolen finger, the photo I took stood up in my heart and started staring at me with a blank stare. Instantly, the flood of eyes turned the garden of the mind into a desert. The blessing that my father had given me on Dasain, when it hit the mountain of my heart, kept on shaking. Do you have expenses when you leave home? The memory of asking that kept gnawing in my heart like millet. Now who asks me to spend? Who gave the blessing?

Thinking while thinking, the car reached Model Hospital Sundarbazar. As soon as he reached, the younger uncle said, "Rune hain hai ta rois si si what will be the condition of mummy"? It happened! A large lake of pain formed inside me as if the river had been blocked by one landslide after another. I was waiting for Mami to say 'I am not crying!' In no time mummy arrived. I thought Mami might be unconscious, how can I handle it, but on the contrary, what will these children do if I cry, Mami is holding a big ocean of separation inside her. Being a mother is really not easy.

As soon as he saw Mami, he immediately went and hugged her. Mami said, 'Where is my brother? Say no to that. I became nervous again and reached to hug my brother. While doing this, the body of the father was covered with a yellow cloth. I asked to take Myldai to the place where her father was. Someone said, 'Can you see?'

Surprised you can't even see your father? I asked myself. Myldai said, "Why not?" I removed the cloth from my father's face and knees and kissed my father. Oh, how cold you are, father! Father was colder than ice by giving us as much as body heat. The brother, who went to see his father, was unconscious in the same hospital and was being administered saline. Sitting next to my father, I was looking at my mother. Mom and Dad, who spent every moment together in happiness, sadness, quarrels, and loved each other very much, were alone today. Mami's eyes were filled with loneliness.

It's time to take it to the ghat at once. How can this happen when the father who came after cutting the grass and came out with a bucket to milk the buffaloes is fighting this from generation to generation? The mind was not trying to accept reality. While walking around with the lava, Mami took off her scarf and offered it to her father and said 'go well' for the last time. This sentence was the loveliest sentence ever spoken in the world. Father was waving his hand frantically. I thought, those who go say they don't take anything, it's not true. Father took mummy's bangles, grandchildren, vermilion all. 

The father was placed near the cool waters of the Marsyangdi River. Relatives continued to come. Everyone came but father did not come. Grandfather Mahendra was shaving my hair, I forgot that my father had passed away and said, "I thought it was like my father was talking". When my younger uncle and cousin said 'What does he say?' I was shocked. 

My brother and I were walking around with mukhagni in our hands to give a candle to our father. After turning around three times, when I put fire in my father's mouth, I shouted for the last time like a frozen river bursting through a mountain and bursting my heart with a river of tears - Father....