Chapter: One I was born as a girl. The family happily named me Alina. From a young age, I loved having short hair and dressing like a boy. However, my mum used to buy frocks and other accessories for her daughter.

I used to wear that frock for a while and take it off. I always felt that I was different from other girls, but why am I different? Didn't know that.  As the

progressed, the feeling that 'I am not a girl' was growing in me. The fact that my heart and mind belonged to a man inside me was becoming more and more painful to me because my outer shell still looked like a girl's.

When I hit puberty, I started experiencing physical changes along with my periods. My breasts began to grow, and the physique began to look exactly like that of a teenager. I could not accept such a change in myself. My mind and brain began to have a big conflict, why is my mind and brain like a man's and my body like a woman's? 

These conflicts within me had eaten me up inside and hollowed me out. Menstrual days used to be very difficult and dark days for me because for 29 days of the month I was living in the feeling of being a man. And the days of my period were a fleeting reminder that I was born a girl. These and various conflicts and inter-conflicts were bothering me a lot. What is happening to me? Why is it happening? I could hardly stand.

When I used to look at myself in the mirror, I used to be very sad and depressed from the inside and I would curse God and say, why did you make my body a woman's and my mind a man's? He was disgusted by his own body. Every time there was a worry in mind about how to hide the breast while walking outside.

Alina Bhandari

I used to try to hide my physical appearance by wearing oversized jackets that looked as if they had been bought in the scorching heat of April-May. The clothes I used to wear were too big and too loose for me. Life was going on like this in conflict and dilemma, but only one question was raging in my inner mind - when can my inner mind and brain have an outer body? 

I was a very good student till I was in 7th or 8th grade. Our textbooks did not have enough information and informative knowledge about gender and minority communities, that's why people used to look at people like us differently. Even friends and teachers thought it was strange. Not only that, the way I was treated also made me feel different. There were many reasons why I could not concentrate on my studies. My mind was always wondering how to hide my identity. Among friends in school-life 

was about attraction to the opposite sex. I couldn't sleep at night because of the great fear of how others would view what I like as a girl. It was very hard to hide the fact that I came naturally from my heart because I was not made a boy by someone else. 

When I was studying in school, my main problem was in dress and toilet. The school uniform was a skirt. It has become common for hair to be long and tied with ribbons. I went to school with short hair till 6th, 7th grade and later my teachers forced me to grow long hair. My heart did not agree to do these things. Wearing a skirt, having to tie up long hair with ribbons, felt very awkward and uncomfortable. It felt very embarrassing for a boy to walk around wearing a girl's clothes. 

Since I consider myself a man, I feel ashamed and unwilling to go to a girl's toilet. Again, when I went to the boy's toilet, my friends used to bully me because I was a girl and entered the boy's toilet. Having lived with the identity of a girl till the 12th grade, that ordeal was taking longer than hundreds of years. After passing class 12, I used to do data entry in a consultancy office.

Everyone in the office saw and knew me as a girl, no one knew my real identity. However, it is not without saying that sometimes he behaves like a boy. My dear friends were there, fellows who had interned at the Blue Diamond Society.

They suspected something about me. Determining that this is a person from such a community, he connected me to the Blue Diamond Society. I have sat through many counseling sessions. It was only then that I was confirmed that I was a 'transman'. 

I found the identity I had been searching for for years by going to the Blue Diamond Society. Then the conflict within me seemed to subside somewhat, as if I could breathe a little easier. The realization that there are many people like me in this world, not just me, gave me the hope to live once again. 

I still remember the first day of college, that day I was wearing shorts, my hair was short. He entered the girl's toilet, everyone shouted that he entered the girl's toilet as a boy. Remembering that day is still very bittersweet. I had such a bitter experience on the very first day. 

Now I don't study in private college because I think it will be very difficult for me because of my identity, I decided to study in bachelor government college. And, I joined Pashupati Cams. I thought that I will not sit in the regular class, I will only go for the exam.

When I went to take the first year exam for graduation, another 'issue' came up with the different looking photo on my ID card. By then I had found my identity. I cut my hair very short. They did not let me sit in the exam hall because they said, 'You are not the person seen in the photo'. Since that day, I dropped out of college, dropped out, and killed my dream of going back to college and studying. 

Then I started working as a volunteer at the Blue Diamond Society. After a long time, the application for the job came out. I applied and passed. I started working at Blue Diamond Society as a hotline operator.

In 2015, I started working as a hotline operator. Listening to the inquiries and complaints on the phone, I felt how many problems there are in this community. They used to get calls asking questions about family problems, violence, love and marriage.

I tried to excel in my work by giving as much relevant information and information as possible. After about 3 years I started working as a program assistant on a project. In order to work in that position, I got the opportunity to learn how to design a program, how to create a program concept, etc.

Currently I am working as a project coordinator at the Blue Diamond Society, which focuses on LGBTQI child rights. In this, especially the children of this community are advocated on topics such as violence in schools, discrimination, bullying, problems of acceptance in the family and the need for the national child policy to be community-friendly. 

chapter : two 

I am Nepal's first 'transman'. Born as a girl named Elina in Kathmandu, I had my breasts and uterus surgically removed as they grew with age. After that, I started taking medicine to grow beard and lice and increase hormones. At present I am completely disguised as a man. My voice has become husky like a man's. Although born as a young woman, I had the body of a woman and the mind of a man. That is why the attraction towards girls started to increase. I felt fear inside, I was extremely confused - why am I different from others? Why are my body and mind not the same? 

One day I cut my long hair and came home with a bald head. All the members of the house were shocked. I said to Dai, 'You have to help me, I am not your sister but brother, treat me like a brother.'

Dai got full support in this. My father always used to say, 'Why do you always walk like this?' After my parents came to know about this, one day my mother said, 'Why did you cause so much pain to your mind and body like this?' I can't sit watching all this, please yourself.' This mother's words touched my heart. 

A mother's love and power is becoming unheralded. Now both parents are happy to accept me as their son. Their love and faith in me made all this possible. 

Around 2015, I mentioned above that I would work with the community on a hotline. My job there was to communicate and counsel with the confusions, problems faced by the sexual and gender minority community, the socially excluded and those affected by HIV.

was dealing with the community at that time, apart from that, I was working as an advocate for our community with the Women's Commission, Human Rights Commission, Health Service Commission and various government agencies. This work increased confidence within our community and brought about change in society. The people of the sexual and gender minority communities had to suffer family contempt, social contempt and discrimination from their childhood. 

How to create a sexual and gender minority-friendly environment in school? How to make the families and parents of such children aware and aware? How to explain this topic to them? I also have a role in the conception and implementation of this policy and program.

Many public awareness programs were held under my leadership in schools in Kathmandu, Banke and Dailekh, it also brought positive results. However, in the early days, we were also rejected from the schools named after Kathmandu. We have formed 'Rainbow Group' by bringing together the families who readily accepted, who provide 'peer to peer' counseling.

The main programs of sexual and gender minority communities are Gaijatra, Gaurav Yatra, where those families or parents are presented as role models. As soon as sexual and gender minorities are mentioned, I feel that only the topic of third gender women is highlighted and it overshadows others. It is my understanding that 'transmen' who are born as girls, but have a different mind, are more double-triple hit when they are different in terms of gender identity. 

Some girls are subjected to 'corrective rape' (they become like boys without knowing the taste of sex, and the family finds a boy to have sex with them so that once they have sex, they will find a boy to have sex with) many 'transmen' like me are forced to live dying everyday.

The main thing is to treat us as equal human beings. Why do we have to suffer discrimination in every place? When looking for a job, even if you have skills, abilities and competence, you are not given a job, why? Shouldn't the government and society think?

It seems that even the media should not have taken us only for 'publicity' by printing stories of our sufferings and strange pictures. We are also human beings, citizens who make society and country. It is my understanding that the country can benefit a lot from us if our issues are properly raised and advocated.