Srishti (name changed) while having lunch with her friends during the college 'break' remembered the time when she was studying in class 12 - 'Even when she found out that she had cheated, she didn't want to leave.'

Srishti was in a relationship with a friend she had known since class 10. When she reached class 12, she came to know that her boyfriend was in a relationship with others. At first, it was hard to believe that a person who had known him for 2-3 years had 'cheated' him. After knowing all this, Srishti could not leave her lover. "You cheated, instead of breaking up, you would cry and say sorry". He used to promise not to make mistakes, but he repeated the mistakes again and again and said, "I'm sorry," she said in the past.

Srishti was often emotionally 'manipulated' by her lover, who said she loved him . It took him months to realize that it wasn't right. This incident also caused him mental stress. She remembers, "It took me a long time to understand that what he did was wrong."

Similarly, a 19-year-old girl studying in class 12 is worried about whether she can do something to improve her boyfriend who is bothering her. Neither she can let go of her lover nor can she let go of the habit of constantly monitoring and doubting herself .

She has been in a relationship with a 21-year-old teenager for a year and doesn't like one thing about her lover. That is, details of his every activity should be given to the lover. Even if all the activities are explained clearly, the lover does not stop doubting . She said, "Sometimes he even got the details of my mobile's Google track". And why did you go there? What was the purpose of going there? '

She can't leave the boyfriend who is so suspicious, sometimes checking the chat details of Messenger and WhatsApp, or telling him that he doesn't like this activity . She said, "I don't like this habit of his". But I can't even say.

According to an investigation officer working in the cyber bureau of the police, some of the cases that come to him are related to crimes arising from such toxic relationships. The officer said, "Teenagers can neither leave their boyfriends nor can they fight against it because the surveillance he is doing is a kind of crime." Only when there is a problem, they come to the police to understand.' 

The same police also narrated the incident of a teenager who came to him recently. The ex-boyfriend of a 21-year-old teenager has obtained the passwords of her social networks . From there, they threatened to defame his character. The girl went to the police saying that she was mentally stressed. According to the police, the girl has been living with stress for 6 months because of this.

These are just some examples . There are many other young people who are in toxic relationships knowingly or unknowingly. Why do some people stay in toxic relationships or not know they are in toxic relationships? Experts say that there is not much study about this. 

According to psychologist Karuna Kunwar, to understand why a relationship is toxic, it is necessary to understand how the relationship started from the beginning. In the beginning, in any relationship, giving each other time, complimenting, giving a lot of 'attention' is what makes 'attachment'. If we are talking about teenagers or young people, how many first relationships are happening . It may seem like a simple relationship works like this. Even after spending a lot of time together, the addiction is there . But in any relationship it doesn't last forever and focus on other things like studies, career, which reduces the respect and trust in the relationship and starts to become toxic. 

'Adolescent girls may think that this kind of behavior happens all the time at the beginning . Even if something bad has happened, it is not known at first . Kunwar says, "Decisions should not be taken after thinking about the long term, but after violence, they think it will be okay gradually and many people stay in the relationship with good hopes." After a long relationship, it is difficult to leave.'

Kunwar said that many people put up with their partner hoping that they will change or make them change. If there is a problem like that he will improve, promise not to make mistakes again, and repeat the same problem again, the expecting partner will also be mentally damaged . Many women are victims of this . Although it is seen in both women and men . 

Clinical psychologist Hasana Shrestha says that staying in a toxic relationship and not being able to get out are also affected by her childhood conditions and experiences. 

According to him, any relationship that is toxic, cannot get out of it or is difficult has its roots in childhood . What's in your family? How the relationship between parents affects everyone's life . "People are easily attracted to familiar things", she says, "If things are not good at home, it is natural to be bad with yourself". Generalization is made that everyone will have the same problem .' 

Shrestha said that another reason for this kind of behavior depends on how she is being treated at home. If a child hears expressions such as "I am not happy when you do it" by his parents, he develops the feeling that what I do should not be difficult for others. That's why he starts showing behavior that irritates people.'

Shrestha's argument is that other neurological things are also connected to this. The same person can feel good and feel bad at the same time. After a very bad fill, if he makes a good fill, it is very rewarding . The feeling of the same reward releases dopamine in the brain and other good feeling hormones . This is why bad things are forgotten.  

Human rights activist Mohana Ansari makes the same argument. She says that family matters also affect human relationships. "Day by day fighting and getting along, showing love but also showing hatred in a harmful way is seen in most families," she says, "again when complaining about this, no one takes it seriously." Violence is also tolerated. It is understood that violence is okay. As a result, it has been generalized that even if it is toxic in the current generation, it is the same.

Similarly, Ansari says that this happens because of the view of women. There is a trend in the society of blaming women if something bad happens. Narrating her counseling experience, she says, "Women do not feel empowered and therefore they cannot defend themselves."

How to know if a relationship is toxic?

Psychologist Kunwar says that many people do not even know that the relationship is toxic. How you were before you were in a relationship . How was your routine? Focused on career, studies or not . Is doing good things encouraged or discouraged? These things can tell if the relationship is toxic. It can be understood that the relationship is healthy if there is a good experience or happiness when living with someone. If feeling stressed . Many things are playing in the mind . It's not good if you feel like you're melting too. Kunwar said that if such a situation has arisen, she should remember the past. She says, "somewhere there is a lot of manipulation". Don't even feel free . Shrestha says that even if one learns to love oneself i.e. 'self love', it can be understood that the relationship is toxic. She says that you have to know how to love yourself to understand whether your partner is caring or monitoring you. Shrestha says, ``The way you treat yourself, others will treat you the same way . That's why it is necessary to do your own value.'